Bitter Love Song
by Ishuzu
Summary: "Cause I know you'd rather we were dancing/Dancing our sorrows away" Chris muses on his feelings for Cathy *A FITA fic* Property of V.C.Andrews *Song fic to "For a Dancer" by Jackson Browne*


//Keep a fire burning in your eye  
  
Pay attention to the open sky  
  
You never know what will be coming down//  
  
"Christopher-Doll!"  
  
I lived for her voice... Her smile was my sun and her tears, the welcomed rain. Her hair, like spun gold, her eyes, precious jewels of sparkling jade... But her voice... Whenever I looked at her, I knew I was supposed to see my sister, someone I was supposed to protect and look out for but never want... So, when I closed my eyes and listened to her voice, I almost lost that sense of having to fight the feelings I knew I shouldn't have had. Her voice, like liquid velvet, had become a woman's voice overnight and I had to keep from falling to my knees before her.  
  
"Christopher-Doll, come and dance with me!"  
  
//I don't remember losing track of you  
  
You were always dancing in and out of view  
  
I must've thought you'd always be around//  
  
I stared across the attic at her. My sister. Becoming a woman so fast, as I was becoming a man. I wanted so badly to stop it. I could see myself taking her hand, reminding her that we were only children playing a game. But how could I talk of things past once I'd already forgotten myself.  
  
//I don't know what happens when people die  
  
Can't seem to grasp it as hard as I try//  
  
Daddy was gone and I had taken his place. Every so often, I felt like I was in a play during the times of ancient Greece. I wore a mask, pretending to be someone I wasn't. Acting happy and optimistic when inside I was crying. Pretending that I knew what was right and wrong and how to fix every situation when inside I couldn't have been more confused or afraid. Making believe that she was only a sister to me and that one day I would marry some gorgeous, rich, mysterious woman... when inside I...  
  
//It's like a song playing right in my ear  
  
That I can't sing  
  
I can't help listening//  
  
I was Daddy and I was Christopher-Doll... God forbid I was a man... with feelings that scared me more then anything I'd ever felt before.  
  
//I can't help feeling stupid standing 'round  
  
Crying as they ease you down//  
  
"Well, come on, Chris! Don't just stand there and stare!"  
  
A smile I couldn't help spread across my lips as I placed a hand on her waist and her fingers crept up my back to rest at my shoulder. Cathy... She was so beautiful and yet nothing I could have, or should even have wanted. If we hadn't been locked away from everything, it would never have happened. But we had, and it did.  
  
//'Cause I know that you'd rather we were dancing  
  
Dancing our sorrow away//  
  
Cathy's laughter rung in my ear like a tiny silver bell as I attempted to lead her across the hard-wood floor. Batting her eyelashes, she smiled at me seductively and I clenched my jaw.  
  
"Oh, Chris! You've gotten so much better! I may have to dance you right out of this place and take you away to marry me!"  
  
Turning my head, trying to keep the heat I knew was inside of me from growing to an ache, I spoke stiffly to my startled sister.  
  
"No, Cathy. You won't marry me... You'll marry someone real, someone who can take you away from everything. I'm only..." Somehow, I couldn't bring myself to say "your brother".  
  
//No matter what fate chooses to play  
  
There's nothing you can do about it anyway//  
  
"I'm sorry, Chris..." She bit her lip, obviously not understanding what troubled me so deeply. Her eyes tried so hard to catch mine and I felt her press our bodies closer, in an attempt to comfort me. I tried to swallow, but my heart was caught so far in my throat, I could taste it.  
  
"Chris, I didn't mean anything. I know we'll leave this place and find people we wish to marry and love. But we'll stay close, won't we?"  
  
This I could answer. "Always, Cathy."  
  
//Just do the steps that you've been shown  
  
By everyone you've ever known  
  
Until the dance becomes your very own//  
  
In her eyes, I could see a fleck of Momma's soft irises, Daddy's determination, but Cathy was a woman all her own... She was so perfect and she could never know what I'd grown to feel for her. We would talk of the future many times but every mention of her dream husband caused hatred to bubble to my lips. It tasted of my own blood and, though I pretended to ignore it then, at night, I could really be honest with myself. In the dark, I would lie awake, realizing that I didn't want Cathy to grow and get married because I wanted her to stay mine, always... She could never leave for I treasured her more then anything I'd ever known. And she belonged to me, and I to her. It was the only way... But she was my sister, I her brother, and it was selfish of me. And wrong, and bad. I had to let her go, I knew.  
  
//No matter how close to yours another's steps have grown  
  
In the end there is one dance you'll do alone//  
  
"Chris... You've stopped. Are you sure you're alright?" I looked down at my feet, planted firmly to the floor and I immediately took up the steps again. If I had to just hold her and not concentrate on anything else, who knew what I could have done?  
  
//Perhaps a better world is drawing near  
  
And just as easily, it could all disappear  
  
Along with whatever meaning you might have found//  
  
God, I wanted her to be a happy person. To grow and leave me and to become a dancer, as she dreamed of so often. I could watch her do those steps even I knew by heart for hours. One day, she would be a famous dancer, the stage all her own, bright red roses falling at her feet. And I'd be a doctor; brilliant, saving lives everyday, famous for the great things I'd done. These were my dreams but no matter how hard I fought it, I could never see us happy, truly happy, unless we were in each other's arms.  
  
//Don't let the uncertainty turn you around  
  
The world keeps turning around and around  
  
Go on and make a joyful sound//  
  
Her eyes searched me and suddenly a soft understanding flushed her pale face.  
  
"Chris..." She whispered as if at a funeral, "You're looking at me like... well, like one of those lovers on TV... Chri--" For once, Cathy realized that she could not fix the situation and stopped talking. I reached down and took her snow-white hand, which went limp in mine. Bowing my head, I kissed her palm, trying to be the regal gentlemen in her stories. Her breath caught in her throat as she tried to speak. I watched crystalline tears spill down her soft cheeks and I drew her to me, whispering only,  
  
"Don't stop, Cathy. Keep dancing..."  
  
//Into a dancer you have grown  
  
From a seed somebody else has thrown  
  
Go on ahead and throw some seeds of your own//  
  
I held her long after the record stopped and the attic grew silent. She allowed me to do so, maybe feeling that I would not let her pull away, or that this all wasn't really happening. Finally, I let go and let the hand around her waist fall to my side. She stepped back, never letting our eyes meet and turned to go. Her hand stayed in mine for an instant, but I felt it slip away as soon as she turned. I only saw the end of her dress disappear down the stairs and then she was gone and I was left alone in the attic.  
  
//And somewhere between the time you arrive and the time you go//  
  
We'd pretend to have forgotten about it, I knew, once I built up the nerve to walk back downstairs. Cathy did well with suppressing the strange happenings between us. I was not as lucky as to act like I didn't recall them. I could still feel the heat of her hand in mine, the silk of her skin, and the velvet edge of her voice in my ear as our bodies moved across the attic as one, dancing away the pain.  
  
If only we'd never been there, this never would have happened. Too afraid, I could never admit that I didn't mind, as long as I was with Cathy. I was too in love to care about the problems that came with my feelings. And I knew she loved me too, even if she didn't know herself. I only prayed that it awakened to her soon because I knew, though it pained me to think it, our destinies were intertwined tighter then anyone's, tighter then a brother and sister's should be. So tight that sometimes, I couldn't tell which was whose. We were each other's reason to be and she didn't know that. And sometimes I cried because I thought she never would.  
  
//May lie a reason you were alive but you'll never know// 


End file.
